Saturday, May 18, 2013

Days like this...

Today was a hard day.

Today was our medical visit day.  All kids who are being adopted undergo a medical examination in order to get their visa.   All kids who are over the age of 2 must undergo a TB test.  Last year when Linnea had her TB test done I was allowed to go in with her and even hold her while they did the stick.  Well it looks like the rules have changed because no parent could go in with Abbie - in fact they took her to the room and closed the door while we waited outside.  You can probably see where I am going with this.  Yep just a few minutes later we had a terrible fit.  Yes right inside the medical office building in public - probably her worst fit yet.  She again hit, kicked, screamed, pinched and just had a complete meltdown.  These moments are hard.  We are not exactly sure what triggered this fit of rage or if it was just simply because of what she had endured during the morning - who knows.  After our guide came to help us calm her down - she pretty much shunned me for the rest of the morning.  We made it through the day with having any more big meltdowns but we certainly got looks and gestures that let us know how she is feeling about us.  She also gives us this scowl look while talking to us in Chinese - it sounds like she is cursing us - and for all we know she might be - we certainly can't understand what she is saying.  NO ONE would ever think from looking at her pictures that she could be like this - but I am here to tell you pictures can be deceiving.  Now when she is having a good day - those pictures are true to life.

I was talking to one of our guides today about Abbie's fits of rage and just wondering what her thoughts were.  I find it so interesting that she tells me that just a few day ago the orphanage director called them to let them know that Abbie was very strong willed and stubborn.  I find it so interesting that they waited until we were in country before they disclosed that information.  Not that we would have changed our minds - but it would have been helpful in preparing us to bring her home.

I will probably say  it a million times but this adoption has been soo different from Linnea's.  And the bonding and attachment with Abbie is going to take much longer and a lot more work than it did with Linnea.  In fact Linnea just crawled out of bed and came straight to me to be cuddled and reassured.  The last thing Abbie wants to do with me is cuddle and be reassured I am her mom.  Right now I am just a stranger to her.  A stranger who speaks "martian"  trying to be her boss - and this is not going over well.

I want to say that I do indeed feel your prayers - there was one point today where I could just feel myself getting ready to lose my patience when suddenly I was overwhelmed by grace - and it wasn't me!! For sure the Holy Spirit was working and I know its because of your prayers.  For this I can never say THANK YOU enough!

A dear friend reminded today again that this is attachment thing is no joke. Its hard for sure!!  And in reality it takes time - and with older child adoptions it takes LOTS of time .. She shared with me a passage in the "Velveteen Rabbit"  I think it is so fitting.
  • “Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.' 'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?' 'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”
    ― Margery Williams


Anonymous said...

Love y'all, so thankful you will all be together on the plane home.. and may the Lord continue to give you grace beyond yourself for whatever you encounter!
Very encouraged by your updates and thankful to be able to pray to Abbie's creator!
Love you LPH

Blessed Mom of Four AND More said...

Hang in there, Friend! Thank you for your transparency. It helps us know how to pray.

I remember well how hard Ellie's adoption journey was-so different from Josie-Tatum's. I really had to work at bonding with her. And then the boys! Oh my! There were times when I wondered what I had done to my family. HA! WHAT I HAD DONE! I had to stop and revisit God's call and His hand throughout their adoptions.

The ONE most critical thing is stay close to HIM. Stay in His word. Feed your soul daily to keep your strength.

Praying for you!

andrea said...

Leighann i am praying for you all. knowing this time is difficult but the joy will come in the morning. you have a large community of prayer warriors praying for you all.
i hope to see you at the airport.

xo xo