Thursday, April 19, 2012

so much change in so little time.

I am pretty sure that DP has mentioned this in an earlier post so sorry for some of the repetition but tonight I needed to journal some of my own thoughts or babble if you will....

Monday we had our first post placement visit with our social worker and one of the things she needed to document was the different places Linnea had been and how long she had been in each place - 8 months in what we guess to be with her biological family, 3 months in the Maoming Social Welfare Institute, 8 months at True Children's Home and then eight months with her foster family and now she is here with us. That is a lot of change in two and a half years.  Our social worker then began to tell us that she (Linnea) is probably wondering if not waiting for the next change to come which means fully bonding and attaching to us as her forever mommy and daddy will definitely take some time.

Overall Linnea is doing really well and she seems to be attaching to us and bonding with us - but she is still grieving and oh how it makes my heart hurt for her.  I think her hardest time is night - hence the sleepless nights - and in the morning.  Unfortunately it wasn't until last night that I think I realized what her crying was all about.  I had noticed the other day that she was kind of in a mood so to speak but she wasn't crying or even acting out she just kind of had a look about her - and that was probably grief too.  Last night she fell asleep fine - but when she woke up in the middle of the night she just cried and cried even when I held her and it was in those moments that I was so sad for her and I was so sad for her foster parents I know how much they loved her and they have to miss her, Linnea's laugh is contagious and she is so sweet and lovable,  and I will be truthful I was a bit sad for myself.  I know she will know one day how much we love her but right now she doesn't, even though she gives me unrequested kisses, prefers me over daddy (sorry DP) and knows I will and do take care of her every need I am not mommy to her and who knows when I will be.  I know she has to be wondering where the mommy she knows is.  DP used to tease me while we were in China because while we were there I wasn't feeling really guilty or sad about bringing her home and taking her away from all she knew - I was sad for her but I knew what she had in store here.  Well the sadness really hit me last night when she was so sad.  She has to miss her foster parents and it just breaks my heart. The great thing is she lets me comfort her and love her and rock her and I know some kids who fight that - so I am grateful for those moments. This morning she was really clingy and then tonight when DP came home she had to warm up to him again.  I cannot begin to imagine all the thoughts that run through her mind - so much transition!!  I rocked her tonight, loving on her and praying that the Lord would give her good rest and just praying for her comfort.  I am thankful that the day will come where she does know us as her mommy and daddy forever.  Most importantly I am so thankful that we can really share with her what forever really means and what it is all about.  The Lord handpicked her for our family and we have the great privilege and responsibility of telling her about eternity - the real forever.  So glad that HE never changes and HE sees us through all these transitions.

1 comment:

Paulette said...

My precious daughter,
My heart is so full while reading this post and I am crying tears for both of you! You hurt for your daughter, and I hurt for my daughter and granddaughter! I pray for comfort for both of you, and I, like you, am so glad that HE does not change and that HE will comfor you both! I am SO proud of you and DP and my sweet little boys as well, for taking on such a big challenge and providing this precious child a home and a chance to know her Lord. I love you all SO much with all of my heart!